The Grieving Process

THE GRIEVING PROCESS

Every person is unique in the way they handle the loss of a beloved pet. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.

Our responses to the different emotions that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied to any strict timeline, and people do not necessarily move through them in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours. It is not unusual to move into and out of one stage, then another, and even cycle back again. You may find yourself repeating this process several times as you continue to work through your grief.

There are five commonly observed stages that people experience during the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your pet’s passing. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is nature's way of helping you continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.

Anger provides a bridge from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the veterinarian, your family, yourself, or even at your pet for leaving you. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you allow yourself to truly feel the anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.

Before and after a pet's death, you may feel as if you would have done anything to save them. "If only" and "what if" become recurring thoughts. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done something differently — gotten help sooner, chosen a different treatment, noticed symptoms earlier. You may find yourself replaying past events in your mind to avoid the pain of the present.

After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and sadness surface more deeply. This depression is not a sign of mental illness; it is the natural response to losing a cherished companion. When the loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your pet is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after the death of a beloved pet would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.

Eventually, you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss becomes part of your story and your history. It no longer consumes your life in the same overwhelming way. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself once again interested in and able to enjoy some of the activities you once loved. You may even develop new bonds with other animals or deepen your relationships with those around you. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.

How long am I going to feel this way?

Every person is different, and so is the way they grieve the loss of a pet. Each person will follow their own unique path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual for it to take at least a year to work through the grief of losing a cherished pet.

Complicated grief

The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship with the pet, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.

Sometimes, the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have occurred in your life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent or has never been fully processed. This kind of grief is known as “complicated grief.” People dealing with this type of grief may benefit from working with professionals trained to handle complex grief issues.



If, after some time has passed, you find that your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it affects your daily life, please seek professional counseling.